59 Funny and Witty Oneliners

Humor is known to provide positive health effects on individuals by producing endorphin’s that are 500 times more effective in eliminating pain than morphine. The following series of witty one liners are great phrases to remember so you can share them along to others. People who laugh tend to required less pain medication after surgery than those that do not.

40 Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the
very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

When it comes to managing stress, watching a 30 minute comedy each day helped to decrease an individuals risk of a heart attack by 5 times. Laughter therapy has also been proven to improve sleep quality of individuals. The following infographic outlines more interesting facts about humor and its positive effects on health.