30 Breathtaking Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Jerry Seinfeld is an American comedian, actor, writer, and producer. He is best known for his role in playing himself in the sitcom Seinfeld. He started out in a stand up comedy career where he ranted about relationships and embarrassing social situations. Named the “12th Greatest Stand Up Comedian of All Time” by Comedy Central, Seinfeld has led a successful career. Here is a collection to some of the most memorable Jerry Seinfeld quotes ever recorded.

“A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.”

“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death.”

“And that’s when I realized, when you’re a kid you don’t need a costume, you ARE superman.”

“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.”

“I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”


“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”

“If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.”

“I’m in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people’s feelings.”

“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

“Let’s face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it.”

“Life is truly a ride. We’re all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he’s ripping your ticket and away you go.”

“Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.”

“Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”

“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.”

“People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.”

“Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”

“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”

“The best revenge is living well.”

“The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!”

“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”

“What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.”

“What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?”

“When you interrupt, you’ve stopped listening. People need to be heard.”

“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.”

“Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? ‘Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

“You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.”

“You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ’See if you can blow this out.’”

“You’ll fold faster than Superman on laundry day.”

Jerry Seinfeld takes some time to discuss his thoughts on his adoring fans and how they perceive him through his public image.

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