25 Captivating Johnny Carson Quotes

Johnny Carson was an American talk show host and comedian, best known for being the host of the Tonight Show for three decades. With six Emmy’s, the Peabody Award, and many others earned under his belt, Carson was regarded as a nighttime success. Here is a look at some of the best Johnny Carson quotes ever recorded.

“According to statistics, it’s a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don’t hear from your relatives.”

“Americans, too many of them, take themselves too seriously. You’re going to get rapped – by the viewers, by the sponsors and by the network brass – if you joke about doctors, lawyers, dentists, scientists, bus drivers, I don’t care who.”

“Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.”

“For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.”

“Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.”

“Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.”


“Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.”

“I don’t run with anybody’s herd. I don’t like crowds. I don’t like going to fancy places. I don’t like the whole nightclub scene. Cocktail parties drive me mad. So I do my job and I stay away from the rest of it.”

“I have no use for eight houses, 88 cars and 500 suits. I can’t eat but one steak at a time. I don’t want but one woman. It’s silly to have as one’s sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth.”

“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.”

“I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.”

“If God didn’t want man to hunt, He wouldn’t have given us plaid shirts.”

“I’m an entertainer, not a commentator. If you’re a comedian your job is to make people laugh.”

“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”

“Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.”

“My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.”

“Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.”

“Never continue in a job you don’t enjoy. If you’re happy in what you’re doing, you’ll like yourself, you’ll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.”

“Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.”

“Some sad news from Australia… the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.”

“Talent alone won’t make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: ‘Are your ready?’”

“Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.”

“The vast majority of us don’t want to face the fact that we’re in the middle of a sweeping social revolution. In sex. In spiritual values. In opposition to wars no one wants.”

“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.”

“We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that’s gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.”

Here is a look at Johnny Caron’s Monologue with a hiliarious ending, aired in 1988.

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