33 Captivating David Letterman Quotes

David Letterman is an American former talk show host, writer, and comedian. Known for hosting the ‘The Tonight Show’ for more than three decades, Letterman has produced several prime time comedies. Here is a look at some of the most memorable David Letterman quotes.

“America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.”

“Donald Trump is attacking President Obama’s background. And I said, ‘Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He’s half jack and half ass.'”

“Don’t worry. It’s just a flesh wound.”

“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”

“Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole.”

“Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It’s to get to know the people she’ll never, ever see again in her life.”


“Holyfield won the fight. It’s not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.”

“I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.”

“I don’t like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and with no other tool but their own minds and can make you laugh and maybe even think a little.”

“I don’t mind being accused of being a bad comedian and I don’t even mind being accused of being a bad talk-show host, but I never want to be accused of being an arrogant, pompous showbiz asshole.”

“I feel like Bush presidencies are like “Godfather” films. You should stop at two.”

“I hate decaffeinated coffee. It’s useless brown water.”

“I’d do a podcast about guys wearing shorts when it’s too cold.”

“I’m just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.”

“In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.”

“Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That’s not the Donald Trump I know.”

“It’s the first day of spring. That means this weekend I’ll take down my Christmas lights.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, after what I’ve been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.”

“Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.”

“Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin’ it to death.”

“People say New Yorkers can’t get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.”

“So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.”

“Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you’re trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you’re one president too late.”

“The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.”

“The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.”

“The last time the French asked for ‘more proof’ it came marching into Paris under a German flag”

“The White House is saying Donald Trump has ‘zero percent chance’ of being elected. Isn’t that a little high?”

“There is no off position on the genius switch.”

“They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.”

“Tomorrow is Election Day. It’s what they call the midterm elections, and you can cut the indifference with a knife. It’s the day Americans leave work early and pretend to vote.”

“Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.”

“When you think about flying, it’s nuts really. Here you are at about 40,000 feet, screaming along at 700 miles an hour and you’re sitting there drinking Diet Pepsi and eating peanuts. It just doesn’t make any sense.”

“Why we are here: To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven’s symphonies, and to crack a cold one now and then.”

Here is a look at some of the most memorable David Letterman moments.