39 Humorous and Witty Voicemail Greetings

Recent trends in voicemail have leaned towards the desire for many individuals to relate on other forms of digital message than traditional voice mails. More individuals have not set up their voice message nor return calls in a decent amount of time. However, some voice messages even steer individuals to contact by email for a quicker response. If you still enjoy the concept and position that a voicemail box serves, you may feel compelled to add a witty voicemail greeting to your caller. The following selection has been shared by others around the global and intended to inspire you to create your own unique humorous voicemail.

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A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future….

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I’ll get back to you as soon as it’s safe for you to come out of hiding.

Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it’s not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does……

This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. If you don’t wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message.

Hello you are talking to a machine; I am capable of receiving messages. My owner (your name here) does not need siding windows or a hot tub, and her carpets are clean. She gives to charity through the office and she doesn’t need her picture taken if your still with me please leave a message and she will get back with you.

Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY — Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he’s still out there somewhere. So . . . leave your name and number and tell us where *YOU* saw Elvis!

Hello, (your name) summer home. Some are home, some aren’t. Leave your message at the tone.

Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! (your name here) can’t come to the phone right now, because he’s spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera…

Hello, it’s obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible.

Hello. I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?

Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren’t here right now, but if you leave a message, they’ll get back to you as soon as they can.

Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? You guessed it.

Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hi, we aren’t in at the moment, if you are trying to sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you’ve finished.

Hi, you have reached …. Please leave your name, phone number and a message and if we like it we will return your call.

Hi, you’ve reached the home of [name]. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

Hi. This is David. I’ve shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I’m going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I’ll play my messages. Please leave one.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry,
I have plenty of money.

I am not in the office today; I may not be in tomorrow. I may be in to work sooner, if you gave me your car to borrow.

I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handi- work, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you’re from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

I’m not here, so say goodbye, or leave a message, and I’ll reply,

If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.

I’m home right now . . . I’m just screening my calls. So just start talking and if you’re someone I want to speak to I’ll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

I’m out walking my donkey but as soon as I get my ass back in I’ll call you back. Leave me a message.

My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, leave a message, and I’ll get back to thee.

Sorry we’re not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you’ll be heard.

Sorry, Chris and Susan aren’t here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message before the tone.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can’t come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange… mother… unicorn… penis. I’ll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA!

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

This is not an answering machine–this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.

We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we’ll get back to, pending credit approval.

You have reached the , Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number and target or list of targets and we’ll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

You have reached xxx-xxxx. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in “as-is” condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don’t return your call, it means the machine did not work.

You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

For small businesses, there are a variety of voicemail service providers you can use that offer different features. From transcription and voice to text to more convenient features of handling multiple phones through one number, availability varies by service. Shared voicemail and call routing is intended for multiple access and directing calls to one or multiple phones. Mobile apps are also available that allow you to check your messages from your phone. The below infographic outlines the current state and trends of voicemails.

Voicemail Services and Facts