28 Magnificent Dave Barry Quotes

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize winning American author and columnist. Nationally syndicated in the Miami Herald for over two decades, Barry is attributed with writing more than two dozen works of non-fiction. Here is a look at the most enlightening and entertaining Dave Barry quotes ever captured.

“A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.”

“A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.”

“Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.”

“Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.”

“Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.”

“Dogs would make totally incompetent criminals. If you could somehow get a group of dogs to understand the concept of the Kennedy assassination, they would all immediately confess to it.”

“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.”

“I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.”

“I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth’s gravitational pull has become since 1990.”

“If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.”

“It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.”

“It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.”

“Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.”

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”

“No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.”

“Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.”

“Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.”

“People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.”

“The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.”

“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.”

“The porpoises said hello to Molly. She told them all her teeth were green.”

“There’s nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you finally see what goes on underwater,you realize that you’ve been missing the whole point of the ocean.”

“Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.”

“To better understand why you need a personal computer, let’s take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.”

“When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.”

“Why can’t Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that’s why. It’s gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time.”

“You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.”

“Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.”

Dave Barry appeared at this talk discussing his book, “You Can Date Boys When You’re Forty.” From parenting to a multitude of other topics, check out this entertaining talk.

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